


Colors

by siruru



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Mental Health Issues, Spoilers, Travel, V's route, World Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-01-06 08:05:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 9,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12207189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siruru/pseuds/siruru
Summary: He bleached out all of those emotions and wanted to start over.[Rika/V/Main Character] ; V's Route with mix of others.





	1. flesh wound.

_"It's just a flesh wound."_

Black and purple, bruised but it will heal and that's all that matter. V doesn't know when he started using that phrase with such frequency, but he knows that it becomes more common half way through Rika's treatment. He starts leaning more towards wearing long-sleeved shirts and cardigans, things that hide the bruising so that Jumin doesn't ask anymore questions and with time he starts avoiding his childhood friend. Because Rika doesn't mean it, and even if she does its just proof of her love. Dark like her moods, but it can heal, it can be hidden and nurtured just like everything else under the sun. Black and blue ribbons declaring their love on his skin, and he is all right with that.

 _"Mr. Kim, if you don't get this surgery your sight will be gone within 2 years,"_ is what the doctors tell him. Jumin pushes in his own way for him to get the surgery, that he doesn't even have to worry about the cost. 

It's not just the flesh of his body, but the nerve ends and all the various other things that make his eyes function. It is losing his livelihood as a photographer and no longer seeing the sun that he loves so much, it is no longer seeing the words his beloved mother had written with such care. However, Rika is his personal sun, the one that he loves so much, the one that has shown him the beauty of the world in both real life and his work. If it was for Rika and her love, then he doesn't mind losing everything else. 

_"Blood loss..immediate..."_ he drifts in and out of consciousness after being attacked. He doesn't remember much, but there is a recollection of the sun hurting so much that it burned. Hot and cold overtaking his body, screaming and rushing with complete blurriness though a voice frantically keeps telling him to stay alive. 

"You can make it, V. **Please** ," is the last thing he hears before being sedated. If he had been awake, he would have laughed it off and calmly told her that he was going to be all right. This is just his life on the line, it is never seeing her and not being able to make sure that she had made it out alive, safe and sound. For that reason alone, he has to keep struggling to stay alive, to make sure she is okay and Rika hasn't gotten to her. 

But, wasn't Rika once the sun? He isn't sure what happened along the way, but for the stars --to see another night sky and so many other things with _her_ \-- he is willing to fight and struggle, to stay alive and make his own selfish choices. 

It might not be a flesh wound, but he isn't willing to succumb to Rika's pain anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catch me on the flip side: [writing tumblr](http://the-canary.tumblr.com/)


	2. sharp tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is brought to you by insomnia and shinee, please listen to "nightmare". it might remind you for somone >>;;

_"Your love suffocated me. It tried to destroy me, V -- my darkness. It's all your fault!"_

Before he can see the blinding light of who is speaking to him, V wakes up in the darkness of his current hotel room. However, the words and a familiar face that haunts him every once and awhile makes him look for the lamp as it showers the room with dim lighting. Turquoise eyes glance at the digital clock not that far away for him and it reads **4:00 am** in bright neon light. He decides it's better to start his day now than go back to sleep and face whatever else could come from his dreams.

They weren't as frequent as when he left Korea ( _10 months and a 1 week ago_ , he reminds himself) but he still didn't like thinking about Rika in that light. It was hard, sometimes he wanted to go back, but he was all to aware of how unhealthy that was. Rika had had such a way with words (especially evident with how she gathered so many to form Mint Eye), and sometimes he still falls into her sweet lies. He was getting over it slowly, but it was still a process. So, it was better to get up and look at the nature all around him (the endless plains of Wyoming were surely breathtaking, he had to admit) than staying in the past. 

V gets up from the bed and begins to head over to the bathroom, already planning his day. Maybe, he could try mountain climbing like the tour guide had suggested or take a ride through the massive site of windmills. So many choices, and it was liberating, _freeing_ but in the semi-darkness and after such dreams his thoughts naturally went back to her. 

"Take care of yourself," that was all she had said when he was departing on a mild autumn day. No declarations of love, just a smile and a sincere wish for his safety. She had never said anything in regards to her feelings and V wondered sometimes if that silence didn't hurt her, though there were times were she could be stern as well. He had seen it during his brief stint of physical therapy and a little with how she kept Yoosung in line. Strong, kind, but a fire when she needed to be, even if she was still struggling with her own problems in regards to Mint Eye -- maybe, that's why he...

 _No!_ He stops his thought process that connects to the deep longing that he feels at times, in moments like this -- he already had six pages of cancelled flight tickets, he didn't need it growing anymore. He takes a deep breathe in the silence of endless green landscape where houses and little towns are miles and miles apart. He smiles at the thought of showing her all this one day and turns on the shower to start the day -- all other thoughts lost to the haze.

_I like you. I love you. I want to spend my life with you_ \-- and maybe, he would be just as firm with his own words one day. 


	3. killing blow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic will jump here and there alongs V's journey! thank you for reading so far.

It is still a little strange, but there are just some days where he doesn't wake up early and others where he just doesn't get up at all. He used to be such an early raiser once, ready to pick up a camera and see the sunrise with his camera. V still did that at times, but Hong Kong was place that was magical any time of the day or night. Walking through the early morning streets was wonderful, but that combined with this certain set of feelings made for a very weary Jihyun. 

In 1 in the afternoon, he finds himself walking around the rented condo that he is currently staying in, all thanks to Jumin. It was actually his second time in the city since his journey had started. It was suppose to just be a quick stop, but he had lingered for more than a week now. He yawns as he moves from the bathroom and back into the messy bedroom/studio, where several photographs and paints formed into an organized chaos. Maybe, it's a trick of the light, but he finds himself staring at the body-length mirror on the other side of the room and then he sees it. The thin but rather long scar running through the right side of his rib-cage. Then, it happens. 

It is a phantom feeling he gets at times, usually more when he is alone and when his dreams like to pay tricks with him. He walks slowly towards the mirror, running cold fingers through it a million times over -- a painful reminder that once ending his life for Rika was okay with him. Suddenly, V can feel the knife dig into his ribs, the crazed look on Rika's face, burning and condemning him for turning away from their everything. _Love me. Love me! Don't leave me_ , she whispers to herself as the knife digs deeper before she drops it. **You can't leave me** , she murmurs before her attitude takes another turn and she is crying, lamenting what she had done.

It wasn't the first time he was supposed to die. The flames that licked his skin and the smoke that filled his lungs. He would have surely been a goner that one time if it hadn't been for... He shakes his head at the thought of his mother and that the only hug they ever had was in the end. The regrets pilled up until he didn't care whether he lived or died anymore, as long as he could fill Rika with his perfect love -- everything had been beautiful once, but it really wasn't. However, it seemed like some unexplained force wanted Jihyun to learn a lesson because death still haunted him in his dreams at times. 

Sometimes, for whatever odd reason, he feels his chest burn in the middle of the night. The area affected is closer to his heart and shoulder with his eyesight blurrier than before he had the surgery. Sometimes, he's met with total darkness but more often he is met with the sight of a crying Rika and a very confused Saeran. He doesn't ever want to find out the meaning behind that dream, but all this and everything he had seen in his journey thus far reminds him of one thing. 

" _I'm so happy you're alive, V,_ " he closes his eyes and takes a deep breathe. He had been so happy to hear that once he woke up, how she repeated it every once and while when helping him through some form of his physical therapy. However, each day, little by little he was learning that...

"I'm glad to be alive too," it was a hard road, staring at himself in front of the mirror with clear eyes, the scar a physical testament of all the other mental and emotional trauma that he was still --maybe, forever-- recovering from. It was a long road and he was taking baby steps every single day.

"What should I do today?" he smiles, before putting on the closest shirt than he can find, as he walks out of the air-conditioned bedroom and into muggy but bustling ( **living and breathing** ) Hong Kong streets. 

_life is precious, so treat it as such._


	4. take it like a man.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> god, this chapter was really hard to write but i wanted something at least about the mc/reader's personal journey in regards to the incident to be in this. the musical line is from 'the birth' by mamoru miyano.

_Don't worry about it._

__It is mother's advice that first rings in your head when you finally have time to process everything that has happened to you in the past 11 days. **Too damn trusting** is what she would probably tell if she could see you now, slightly injured and taking care of a man you barely know. So in a distant way, you are following her advice because Jumin is handling the aftermath of your injuries (some here and there, but it is not bad as V) and it wasn't like you had any strong family relations that were seriously worried about you, and if there were they really couldn't do anything about the current situation. It was a little hard to explain and give a plausible reason as to why you had missed nearly two weeks of work. However, being a freelance writer made things a little easier, but you were sure Jaehee had something do with that as well. Is this what it meant to be a member of the RFA?_ _

____

____

____

____

You wonder what this all meant in the long run, but V's opening eyes and sudden murmuring erase all other thoughts. 

_Be strong, sweetheart. Tomorrow is another day._

It is your father's advice and what you can remember of his faded smile that becomes a pillar of strength for you over the following weeks. Because he is right, tomorrow is always another way to get it right, to make it a bit better than the day before. However, what can you do to remember those that never wanted to go through another day? Ray's --no _Saeran_ as 707 had explained to you once, sad and lonely Saeran that was always getting left behind-- voice still echoes in your ears in the middle of the night (you had even gotten a new phone and given the old one to Luciel because you couldn't stand hearing his last phone call anymore), as Rika's touch still burns you in the middle of the night, sometimes to the point of screaming. 

You try to be strong every single day from going back to freelancing, to thinking about going back to school. Sometimes, looking and helping V in his own progress makes it easier, sometimes it just hurts even worst. Struggle and keep struggling, as you meet the members of the RFA and they become part of your life (chastising Yoosung, having a quick bite with Jaehee, attending Zen's musicals) while you pick up the pieces with lost family. If there is anything this incident has taught you is that tomorrow is never a given, and you are always contending in being a little better than before. 

It takes you 6 months of fighting on your own when you finally decide to ask Jaehee if she can help you find some professional help. 

_If you love something let it go._

Outside getting little updates from 707 or Jumin every now and then, nobody is really sure as to where V is in the world, but you hope he is happy in whatever he is doing or wherever he is. If someone asked you if you were in love with the mysterious man that tried to save you more than once, you wouldn't be sure how to answer. As you take up your journal writing at the behest of your psychologist, most of the time it is addressed to him, or to someone else close to you. Through your work, restoring the RFA, and traveling to see old friends and family back in your hometown, V turns into _Kim Jihyun_ to simple _Jihyun_ but in your accounts over the days you never despair over him. 

It is simply letting him know that you appreciate the life he saved because he almost died for it. Through writing about how your day went and what you ate, until you realize that one day you'll be able to tell him all these things face-to-face and that this isn't exactly healthy. Maybe, you could tell him all this one day (and so much more), though not with the same recollection, but something has to be done about all this.

_Jihyun,_

_It's been a year and a half since the Mint Eye Incident. I went to visit the remains today._

That is how the last entry starts, as you place the book in front of the burned building with a pair of flowers. You stare at it for a long while, as Luciel watches slightly worried from afar. Suddenly, you let out a loud scream and begin to sob. He pauses, but lets you release everything you have been building up for who knows how long. It is a scary thought, but as you let go of your safety net...it feels liberating as well.

_I won’t surrender, whether I live or not is up to me._

You hum the catchy tune, as you watch over several people preparing the hall for the incoming guests. You had worked hard to convince so many people to over look the RFA's previous mistakes and come back for its first charity event since the Mint Eye Incident. However, you ran over leaps and bounds in order to make sure they would be well attended to, even Jumin had been impressed with the guest list. Nearly a year of work would culminate with this single event and honestly it was all you had been thinking about this past week, aside from necessary work deadlines.

Things were hard some days, but what wasn't? The physical scars might be gone, there was still a long road ahead, but you knew now that you weren't alone. The RFA, friends, and family were always supporting you. You turn to look at the darkening sky from one of the many large windows and you knew someone else far away was supporting you as well, but you didn't need him right beside you to understand that concept. You take a deep sigh and walk towards two young men having problems with a banner.

"If you could place it a little lower that would be perfect!"

...completely unaware of a plane landing in Incheon International Airport.


	5. cat starches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god, jumin was hard to write. these two were just really difficult. please let me know what you think.

_To belong_ , well Jihyun isn't exactly sure if he has belonged anywhere in his life. Receiving love wasn't really part of his family when his father and older sister were always away or busy with their own personal pursuits. And even his own mother, no...now he was sure that his mother loved him in her own way, but he had been so childish and bullheaded not to accept it. In his own desperation after the fire, he didn't care if he never received love, as long as he could give his all away -- drown someone in the beautiful imperfection of his love then he was all right with it, only to once again to realize how foolish he was. He was either too shallow or too deep (try to be philosophical with something that could be so simply, but humans loved to complicate things), but it was still enough for him to feel like he was drowning after everything that had happened with Rika. 

"You're two minutes late," the man sitting in a table mentions, though with no malice. He is simply stating a fact, though V hears a slight hint of worry in Jumin's voice.

"I got caught up with my... _photography_ ," the words comes out slowly and deliberately out of his mouth as he takes a seat across from his childhood friend. Dark eyes look at him for a quick second before flickering back to his coffee. Jihyun knows that his oldest friend has caught him, but he isn't ready to admit just yet that he has started painting. He has been moving away from his previous tendencies in the last 8 months, but he wasn't willing to accept it and let others know of this new hobby --perhaps even a lifestyle change-- just yet.

"How have you been, Jumin?" he asks as the waitress comes over to see if he will be eating anything, it is obvious that she has already asked Jumin earlier, but V knew that young heir didn't eat anything that his personal chef didn't make or that hadn't been approved by the Han family nutritionist. How they had ended up in a small cafe just a little ways north of the Lourve had been through the chance of 707 finding him and Jaehee passing along her boss's flight schedule. 

It was an odd **compromise** , but their friendship had been just that for a long while now. 

"Black coffee and a plain croissant is fine," Jihyun smiles at the waitress as she turns to leave. They fall into a delicate silence, his question certainly not forgotten as he notices Jumin's eyebrows burrow a little more than usual. He might have a lot to say or ask and even though V is sure that his friend has be planning and going over this scene a hundred times in his head beforehand, something has momentarily stopped him, which is fine if not a little strange.

Maybe somewhere deep inside, Jihyun has always known that Jumin would always trust him, even with how he felt about Rika. Their friendship was something V could always fall on, though it had been a bit harder when the truth of Mint Eye had come out, but with everything else that came tumbling down -- any discussion had been left up in the air. Little incidents had built up and created a gap in their friendship, but Jumin has always been steadfast and loyal -- V knew where (or really who) the problem truly fell with. 

Jumin pauses and takes a sip of his coffee, black just like his though like any businessman of his stature would drink it, though he was probably very specific on what beans they had to use. 

"I and the rest of the RFA have been _doing fine_ ," Jumin moves to look directly at turquoise-colored eyes. Jihyun smiles slightly at hearing the subtle pout, and even some sulking in his voice, "Progress in rebuilding the organization has been slow, but Assistant Kang and and the party coordinator have been doing a good job." 

"That's good to hear," is all he says as the waitress brought his order. He was fully aware as to why Jumin had brought up the RFA and her, but the former photographer knew that the RFA and all its members would grow and flourish more with Jumin at the helm, even if Zen might complain more than usual. And no, he wouldn't ask about her, not yet even if his heart demanded it.

"What exactly brought you to France this time?" 

It's Jumin's turn to ask the questions, as Jihyun looks down to rip a piece of his warm croissant with nimble fingers before placing the piece into his mouth. Jumin doesn't have to tell V why he was in France, it was always business and the C&R heir didn't really travel much for his own pleasure, he was perfectly happy staying in Korea all his life if he could, though he personally thought a bit differently. 

Jihyun hums a little before thinking about how he exactly landed in France this time around after going on a month-long trip through all the nations that surrounded the Baltic Sea. 

"I have been studying the art within the area," is all he says, though certainly not willing to say that he has been going to museums, that sometimes he stays up all night painting and throwing away everything that he knows he hasn't put his complete self into. Art and gaining self-confidence were a painful journey that he was not yet used to. 

Jumin nods, but before he can say anything his cellphone rings. V finds myself ending the rest of the pastry as his oldest friend goes full business mode, asking to status and probably handing a million new tasks to Jaehee. As the older man finishes his coffee, Jumin finishes his call. 

"I have to return to the regional office," Jumin simply states and through the corner of his eyes V can see a black car parking outside of the cafe. This type of efficiency never surprised Jihyun, though it sometimes hit too close to home when thinking about how some people --especially Jumin-- seemed everything neatly put together, though he knew that was far from the truth. 

Their small reunion has been cut short, as he watched Jumin stand up. The air was a little less tense than before, probably because the other could see that they were doing well in their own way. Then, Jumin finally decides to speak. 

"Jihyun, wherever you are going I hope you are doing well," Jumin stands up and leaves the cafe in a brisk manner before he can say anything. V turns his head to look through the muggy window and see his oldest friend leave (Jumin doesn't look back, but that doesn't really surprise him), as he sinks into the worn out chair. 

_Ahh...so that's what he was worried about._

Jihyun chuckles a bit at the worries of his childhood friend before asking for the check only to be told that Jumin had already paid for anything that he has ordered for. So, he thanks the waitress and heads out of the cafe with no particular destination in mind. A slight curve of a smile on his face as he grasped the small digital camera in his coat pocket. 

_To belong, huh?_

Jihyun didn't know exactly about his family, but he knew that there were people that worried about him, that were waiting for him to come back whenever he was ready to. Oh, how foolish he had been to doubt the RFA, to doubt his oldest friend even if things were a little stiff. 

Once he came back, Jihyun would listen to all their stories as surely as they would listen to his, and that semblance of belonging was completely fine with him.


	6. die for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter! this is my interpretation of V's death in the 707 route, so approach with caution if you don't think it exactly goes this way. the first line of the chapter belongs to the song "1#crush" by garbage, which sort of fits this situation.
> 
> enjoy!

_I would sell my soul for something pure and true._ If he thought about it hard enough, maybe V could consider himself a bad Christian because in the long term he had fallen for a false god. He had fallen for the purity and cruelty that ran in Rika's veins, had followed her to the depths of her madness with some sick fascination that he could save her, but look at him now. So obsessed, it was almost pathetic and now like Icarus he was burning. 

_BANG!_

A single shot and while he can't see V can feel the pressure pierce his shoulder and it burns. It's a different kind of fire from Rika's, but it still hurts just the same. Air rushes into his lungs as the adrenaline pushing into his veins fights for him to **stay alive**. There is screaming, crying, and overall confusion in all the chaos. Rika is calling out to him and it sounds like somebody he can't quite remember anymore. 

_It's ok. It's ok_ , he wants to say but the pain and blood lodges anything he want to say within his throat, as he falls onto the floor. 

"V!"

"Jihyun!"

He can hear the other familiar voices of Luciel and Jumin, but all he can see through blurry eyes is a confused Saeran. He heaves another heavy breathe, but the former photographer knows that everything will be all right in the end -- the sun will keep shinning, even though it dips into the darkness for a moment it can always shine the following dawn. Rika will be all right without him, so will Jumin and the RFA, everyone's pain will be gone if he's gone and he's all right with that. 

His loving god had taken his sight and now she was taking everything else, and V was all right with that. However, like any other human reaching their end, as the darkness and arctic chill begin to take over his body, as the paramedics try their best to save his life, he starts to slowly feel it -- the fear of dying, the need to live.

 _Rika, is she all right? I need to see her!_

He keeps whispering her name in some sort of delirium, as if he keeps chanting it she will suddenly appear in front of him like before -- pure and kind with all the light that he had fallen in love with. His mind replays their first meeting and as the heart monitor hits a flat-line, the most devoted follower of the Savior finally meets their end, all in her name.

_Rika, Rika. Rika, you're my lovely sun._


	7. sadomasochism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is a lot of open ended stuff in V and Rika's relationship, so I tried some of things with this chapter. It's not that Jihyun likes getting hurt, but it is a cycle that he is used to so I try to build around that. 
> 
> Also, I want to add more countries, so if you have any suggestions let me now. Right now, I have South America (researching different countries), Netherlands, Australia, Japan on my sights.

V was used to being an early raiser, sometimes Jihyun still did that and this was one of those moments. He had heard that the sunset was beautiful near the Newfoundland coastline and somehow after taking in the sights and sounds of Montreal, he found himself taking the earliest flight to a place he had only ever heard of less than a day ago. A entire day without sleep was something that he had been used to, but closing in on 48 hours had him a bit more tired than usual, but there was just something...something underneath his skin that left him restless. He had to leave the city, the bright sights and sounds, and the island seemed like a perfect choice. 

He doesn't know where to go when he finally lands there close to three in the morning. He hasn't researched anything, and he can surely hear the reprimanding voice of Jumin in the back of his head for a moment. Blue eyes scan the the travel guide pamphlets welcoming all the tourists in both English and French, and something grabs his attention. He grabs one and heads out, something darker is rattling in his head as he calls for a cab and shows the driver the pamphlet. He sits in the back and the darkness seems to envelope him. Jihyun grabs his camera from his side bag as a makeshift anchor but he's already in a different place; his mind has gone to a distinct place and time.

_V, is this the correct position? Are you sure it doesn't hurt?_

_Anything that hurts you would hurt me, my sun._

"Sir, this is as far I can take you," the driver's voice wakes up Jihyun with a startle, but also an underlying sense of relief. He hasn't felt like this in a good 10 months and he thought that he had over come these fears, but look at him -- pathetic and haunted. The driver looks at him with a small semblance of disconcert, but that ends as the former photographer pays him and gets out of the car. Bandages picking underneath the jacket, but silence and looking away have always been the answer for unsettling things. 

The weathered road and early morning fog welcome him, as he takes uneasy steps. His breathe is chilled and his jacket barely protects him from the colder weather due to being so close to the ocean. **Almost like home** , that old house that he used to share with his sun --his beautiful Rika-- near the coast because the sun looks beautiful and picturesque at certain points and he has come halfway across the world looking for that twisted normalcy again, even if he has been the denying the truth underneath his recovery. Everything had been going so well, but sometimes things had to come undone. Sometimes, even the sun hides the cruelest of things underneath its shadows, of the things that it (and him) couldn't protect. 

He almost slips on rock and Jihyun lets out a mirthless laugh, because that is how he feels right now. As he gets closer to the lighthouse and sees the rock formation end, he wonders if anyone had ever thrown themselves out off of it. However, it disappears as quickly as it is brought up. He grabs the camera around his neck again and it's a grounding force. In the haziness of the upcoming morning sun, Jihyun sees several other people --tourists?-- coming to see what he came for as well. 

_Breath In. Breath Out._ He sets his bag down and loses himself in a blur between being V and Jihyun -- into pictures and endless philosophy that will get him nowhere in the end. The uneasiness is still there but falling back into old habits is easier than moving into the unknown at times. The familiar pain might be better than something you might have never known before, but it could also kill you in the end -- V knows that all too well.


	8. whipped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is a little late, started a new job along with the holidays and getting sick. so, here is this thing were i am trying to add a chapter for each RFA member, while also having V travel . please enjoy!

_Goodnight GOD707~!_

The hacker laughs slightly as he leaves the most recent chat between the RFA members. The party coordinator had had some trouble with the most recent guests she was trying to get for the RFA's "restart" party and it had given her a healthy case of insomnia, and that wasn't bringing in everything else that was bothering her. However, a few choice words from him and the rest of the group has calmed her down, as he smiled while looking at his multiple screens. It had been a long journey, but everything seemed to be calming down nowadays, especially if he didn't think of his little brother. 707 ends up starting at his screens blankly for a long while before going back to playing on the LOLOL server. However, a sudden private message from the RFA messenger catches his attention.

_Luciel, how have you been? Do you have time to talk?_

The redhead pauses for a moment and looks at the message. He goes back to looking at the screen as his character takes down another paladin. It sort of reminded him of V, at least in the past. Maybe, he could have been a priest once with how much he talked about philosophy and the "what-ifs" that came with life, but V fought to keep Rika's legacy alive even when his priestess has fallen into darker tendencies. Soft and poisoned words were what V had fallen for, but the support from one person had saved him -- the princess had saved the knight in the end, Luciel could only smile a bit bitterly at that as he begins typing.

_HOW CAN 707 HELP YOU?_

There is a pause and the hacker has to wonder where in the world V --no, Jihyun-- could be now. The last time he has entered the messenger, he has sent pictures from the Argentine boarder. Nothing but clear skies and green mountains as far as anybody could see. It had been more on the colder side compared to Seoul, but from one of the reflections they could all see a smiling man -- something none of them had seen in a very long time. The paladin had gone on a journey of self-discovery and nobody knew in what state of mind (what character he would be now) he was going to come back in.

_I would like to..._

The message ends in a rather odd note, but 707 can't do much about because he doesn't know where V could be that could be causing some sort of problem. At the same time, it wasn't strange for the older man to send him some message and then response at a later time, it had happened constantly in the months after Rika's death, Luciel had simply gotten used to it though he hoped deep down that Jihyun was really starting to change. Even if the others were still haunted by the memory of Rika at times, they were all slowly moving forward in their own ways -- even Yoosung. Yet, he couldn't keep watch over a man's progress who was a half a world away, probably.

Nothing comes in after that and it sinks into the back of 707's mind, especially since Vanderwood has been yelling about him not cleaning nor completing the work he has been assigned. In a lot of ways, he and V were still chained to something in the past, he just wasn't moving on like Jihyun has decided to -- he hasn't sure that would ever really happen. 

With the business of being a hacker extraordinaire, 707 didn't notice another message come through until much later on, and even then he didn't know what to do with it.

_...to me and talk about Rika and Mint Eye._

(to apologize and appease for everything i have wronged you in.) 

and maybe, they were both still chained to the past.


	9. black and blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> focused more on thinking jihyun than talking in this chapter. let me know what you think! 
> 
> ...and yes, jihyun still can't seem to have a cell phone on him to save his life.

If he thought about it long enough, blue has always been such a sad color in his life. It was always being outshined by the bright glory of the sun, it was a certain shade that always reminded him of his mother and the bigger void of the loss, and until recently it has been the starting color of whatever damage Rika had dealt him on one of her bad days. It was something that he was slowly trying to change because of the personal connection he felt to the color -- the self-loathing couldn't last forever. He was slowly learning to love the shade that was given to him by his mother. He reminded himself that blue was the color she wore when they first met, and a clear blue sky or sea was beautiful to take a picture -- that he was okay as a person, as who he was at this very moment in time. 

Thus, he sought the most beautiful places where he could find the color blue and thus he landed on the small Republic of the Maldives. Endless blue in both the sea and sky as he started at it from one of the smaller islands, where there tourism was a bit more infrequent. He had been there for two days, taking various pictures of the landscape, animals, and people that caught his attention. He gathered various seashells and trinkets that caught his attention, but he hadn't gotten a picture of the sky yet -- almost as if he was avoiding the dreaded thing. Thus, he walked the island until he got lost, until he couldn't see the tour guides or the hotel anymore to where the forest was thicker and small caves could be found here and there. 

_What did I get myself into this time?_

Jihyun can hear Jumin's cautious voice in the back of his head and it almost drives him into a state of panic, but he takes a couple of deep breathes and tries to look at the situation from a different perspective. The path might be dark, but he knows that there is a small trail that leads back to humanity closer to the ocean. So, he turns right and tries to follow the saltier air filling his lungs, thinking that he isn't that far away from his objective. He isn't hungry and the weather is still warm and humid within the tropical forest and he has extra rations of water with him, just in case. It's all a matter of walking and not letting his thoughts get the better him -- oh, but that was easier said than done for Jihyun.

_What if you can't find your way out? What if you don't come back?_

Jihyun rubs in hands together, as the anxiety begins to get the better of him. He had never done well in the dark, though he had gotten accustom to it in recent years due to his blindness and just the type of person Rika was, he found himself surprisingly scared of what might happen to him in this moment. He could disappear without a word and nobody back in the RFA would never know -- they (she) would keep on living without him, and that thought hurt a lot more than it had a year ago. 

Right now, he would rather be in blinded by any other color than the inky darkness surrounding him. So, to rid of his situation, Jihyun keeps walking and trying to forget that this is almost how he met his end once not that long ago. He isn't sure how long he keeps breaking in sync with the pace that he has set up for himself, but a bright orange grabs his attention at the end of what seems to be a long tunnel.

It takes him 20 long steps until he is fully out of the clearing, facing a budding sunrise that paints both the sky and sea a mosaic of colors that take his breathe away. He stands there for a moment in total silence, as he exhales a large breathe of relief. All the colors are shinning up above him, swirling around each other in some type of perfect harmony, even though he seems to fear and despise at times. 

He laughs at the trivial thought before taking his camera and deciding that this will be his perfect shot, because in the end it isn't just about him or the RFA. Everyone is part of the different picture, each shining their own imperfect shade of color.


	10. hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> going back to the V side of things!

For someone that could buy some of the greatest healthcare in the country, V didn't really care much for his own health and well being. There were times that he could be like Jumin --long talks with the family doctor, have a nutritionist near hand, and have all his various other specialists on speed-dial -- but. the craziness didn't last long with him and it had been more than year since he has last gone for a visit. However, he doesn't mind it, nothing hurts so he doesn't bother with going any more. 

_Rika's well being is more important than his own_ , is something that he keeps telling himself while ignoring the never ending shaking of his hands. Or maybe, he was just born to be bruised. 

__**first time.** _ _

__"People might end up hurting their loved ones," the psychiatrist had told him midway through Rika's program, the older woman's eyes glance at his long-sleeved sweater, even though they are in the middle of a heatwave. She knows the signs and while **codependency can be a horrible thing** , she can't do anything about unless people are willing to see the problem in front of them -- _V chooses to stay blind_._ _

__"I understand," is all he says with dark circles underneath his eyes and bruises blooming just below his neckline. He smiles and waits for Rika to come out of her session. The older woman frowns and non-discreetly leaves a pamphlet about something he chooses to ignore with the location to the nearest hospital . His smile when his sun enter the room, though he can't seem to ignore that dark look on her face._ _

__The papers are left untouched and V ends with even shakier hands by the end of the night. Neither of them go back._ _

__**second time.** _ _

__"You're looking the wrong way," it isn't meant to come out so harshly, it is merely an observation made by his oldest friend, but the realization that Jumin knows makes V freeze. He turns to look at the black and purple haze of the man that might know him better than he knows himself. Jumin chooses to face most things head-on with everything he has, V --and the shadow known as Jihyun-- isn't like that but the young heir won't ever pry when it comes to V -- he trusts him do damn much, and maybe that's part of the problem_ _

__Jumin frowns, at least V thinks he does. However, the dark-haired man speaks and keeps repeating a line that V will be hearing for quite some time._ _

__"You should go see a specialist," is all the worry that Jumin gives about the situation, never asking how or why. V is more than okay with that, because he knows he deserves all this and so much more; he's okay with the pain as long as it can keep the harsh, warm light of day by his side._ _

__V shakes his head, ends up visiting Jumin less and less._ _

__**third time.** _ _

__"Hurry, Seven! He needs medical attention!"_ _

__A female voice and screeching tires are all the things that he can hear and really understand through the haze he was placed under. He tries to tell them that he doesn't need to go, that he is find letting everything go but something within all his delirium stops him from opening his mouth. Maybe, it is his mother's aching voice telling him to keep on living or it is the cool hand on top of his forehead with a sweet voice telling him not to give up._ _

__V hasn't gone to the hospital in a long time and this just adds another pile to that long lists of regrets that he has aching underneath his ribs. Nevertheless, he doesn't go to one this time, he ends thanking that mysterious brunette that Luciel works under while also trying to calm down the nerves of the young woman that ended saving him instead of what he originally intended._ _

__People (outside of Jumin) caring for him is daunting and frightful, but he knows it is something that he could get used to in the long run._ _

__Maybe, that when he's actually heading towards the hospital ( **bleeding, breathing heavily, and her tears on his shoulder keeping him from blacking out** ) that he finds himself hopeful and afraid with his own humanity and the all too familiar concept of death._ _


	11. bandages.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a little bit on the shorter side and uggh, but i hope you enjoy. happy new year!

As an attentive and creative person, one of the most important parts of V's body had been his hands. It was that part of his body that allowed him to hold a paintbrush or camera when he want to. It was the first part of his person that connected to Jumin as children, as the young black-haired boy shook his hand like the business man in training all those years ago. It had been those palms that allowed him to worship and touch Rika when they were together. It had been that part of his body that she grabbed on so tightly to when everyone else feared that he was a dead man. Without touch, a thing that he denied himself so much at times, Jihyun didn't feel like a real person anymore. 

However, Jihyun was still a reckless individual at heart and destroying to rebuild was at the core of this journey of his. So, he decided to take this insane trip to the Argentine border after months of training back in Germany. 

Rock climbing. It was supposed to be easy, but things with him never were and by the 3rd day he was back at the base of the mountain with a little less weight on him than before and his hands covered to heal from all the cuts and bruises he had received, lucky he hadn't gotten anything worst. 

That had all been three days ago and he had been moved to a bigger village were he could heal until the rest of his group came back from the trip. It gave him to much time to think, and he hated how his thoughts went from Rika to the RFA to her. All the what-ifs hasn't hurt as much as they did now and Jihyun could only take too much before drawing back into his V persona.

A smile, fake and graceful, was all he gave the doctor and local nurse healing him, but without being able to touch anything due the itchy bandages and the disgusting smell of anesthetic. He can barely move them, even less of being able to hold his camera and it drives him insane to the point that it isn't the nightmares keeping him awake anymore. 

He was out one thing and he felt useless. It wasn't like when he was slowly going blind and he didn't care (deep down that was a lie too), this time Jihyun felt a deep seated fear and that scared him even more. 

Some scrapes and bruises shouldn't worry him this much, but they do. He wonders if this what it is like to feel love towards one's self, worry over your own body. Once they finally decide to remove all the bandages and V sees they are clear and without hardly any damage, a relieved smile blooms onto his face. It's cathartic, but he is alive and in one piece.

"Thank you," is all he can say through the tears streaming down his face. 

And in that moment, Jihyun learns to love himself a little more.


	12. this hurts me more than it hurts you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of yoosung centric this time around, enjoy!

Kim Yoosung isn't a bad person, he's just a normal (and lazy) college student that tends to play LOLOL a bit too much on the weekends. Yoosung is a good kid, if not a bit naive but when he hears about his cousin's death (though his mother because his aunt never talks about her no-good daughter), Yoosung feels like the world has ended. How can something so beautiful be taken from this world? How can someone so kind and smart, that was only doing things to help others, die at such a young age? The sunny days don't seem to reach him anymore, and none seems to answer of of the million questions that the new college student seems to have. 

Yoosong was trying his hardest to study for a test the afternoon that they **_cremated_** her, as he was told by V. Her fiancee had done most of the planning since her parents wouldn't. V had told him everything he could and has reassured all of the RFA that Rika wouldn't have wanted them to be sad for her, that she would want them to celebrate life and continue her work. But, that was all he ever said, when questions were brought up on the details of things -- specifics that Yoosung felt he need to know (in order to move on in someway) as her family, V stopped talking. 

Yoosung has never hated someone before in his life, but the more he was dodged the more a white-hot and painful anger took over whenever V was brought up. _V was a liar. V couldn't protect Rika. Did he ever love her?_

A million questions for unanswered and none ever really pays attention to him in that way because V is the leader and he is simply the youngest member still grieving. Six months pass, V disappears and Yoosung doesn't get any better, though neither understand that they are both stuck in some way because of Rika. 

Six months and Yoosong's world shatters again when they welcome the new party coordinator. His emotions are a mix of all things: happiness, excitement, worry, and remembrance. But most of all, he tries his hardest to keep her away from V. He tries his hardest, but only so much can be done through a phone screen. 

_V tries protecting her. V risk his life for her. ...Why couldn't he do that for Rika?_

Yoosung cries a little when he learns that Rika is alive again and he tries so desperately to see her again. Nobody understand Rika, but he could because they are family and he misses her dearly. He wants to help his cousin, like she had done for him so many times before -- Yoosung wants to be an adult and move things on his own, but he can't so he cried and drink with Zen instead. 

When he is sober enough, he hears about what is really happening and while he is crying for Rika, he hopes that V and the their newest member are safe. He is scared of his own anger, but it all disappears with the potential for maturity and forgiveness. 

It takes him a couple of days to build up the courage to go see V in the hospital, even a few more to get used to calling him Jihyun. This new version of him is still polite, but more open in his facial expressions and downfalls, he learns this when they are sitting alone in the empty, bleached hospital room waiting for the new party coordinator to return with some food. They are both quite and Yoosung isn't quite sure what to do or say. Weary blue eyes glance at him and he finds himself correcting his posture at the sound of unfamiliar voice. 

"Yoosung...I'm sorry," a pale hand rest on his shoulders and while Yoosung knows all the things the older man could be sorry for, he doesn't need an explanation beyond that because he is all too aware now of how much _Jihyun cares about them, about a lot of things he isn't used to but is a little bit more willing to talk about now._

Yoosung nods and brushes away a few stray tears while nodding, unsure of whether he can find his voice for the moment. Jihyun smiles lightly and it's the start of small, baby steps on a much longer journey. 


	13. if looks could kill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short, but please enjoy! we are almost to the half way point.

Jihyun knew that he wasn't a bad-looking person, that he was quite attractive when he didn't even try and even more so when he had to dress up in the same fashion that Jumin did everyday. However, he had never been that type of person, Jihyun (even as V) wore simple things: t-shirts, soft sweaters, and whatever else he could find that made him feel comfortable. Jihyun had always been surrounded by beautiful and wealthy people, but he didn't also feel like he belonged there. To be truthful, he didn't know if he belonged anywhere -- hence part of his journey. 

He had gone to some of the most beautiful places, namely right now in Brazil during Carnival. Everything was a flurry of bright colors and smiling, beautiful people. He partied until he couldn't stop and smiled all the while, taking pictures whenever he could. It helped the momentary voices ringing in his head more often than not, it help him ignore how empty his hotel room was. How even with all his beauty and creativity, he still didn't have anyone to love him and give love in return -- and that's when Rika slithered back into his mind.

 _I love you, V._

It starts off simple enough with a young lady at the bar he is sitting near giving him an easy smile. He doesn't return it because his heart has never been set up for those types if things, but then he sees a flash of gold -- the sun on parade with the other numerous dancers outside and his heart constricts. The world freezes and burns all at the same time and Jihyun finds himself running to the nearest bathroom, chest heavy and limbs numb. However, he ends up on some side-alley with some party-goers though it is too dark to see. There are tears running through his face and he surely knows that one understands what he is saying.

_Love me! Don't leave me!_

"Rika, I'm sorry. I'm soo sorry, love," he keep repeating, as the anxiety and hurt wrack his body with sobs, as he falls onto the dirty street, though none seem to pay attention to the attractive stranger having a panic attack in front of them. 

Among all the beautiful things, Jihyun still felt like the ugliest thing in the world because of all he had done and all that he still might do during the rest of his miserable life.


	14. last one standing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this so far! this is going back to jumin's chapter in regards to the trip jihyun is taking around the Baltic Sea.

Jihyun figured out early on in his life that he did not like attaching labels to the things that he has experienced within his life. Though personally, he liked to attach names to Rika and label things as his own within their own, it bothered him so much when other people (aside from Jumin) tried to do so. Maybe, that's why he had hated his real name for so long, why he had decided to start his photography career under the moniker of "V" that had no connection to his family and what they had done beforehand. Jihyun could be fiercely independent, but he also wanted things that he could call his own -- things that couldn't be taken away from him if he tried hard enough. 

Another label that Jihyun hated was "victim", it reminded him too much of the things that he couldn't control in his life, of all the what ifs that had been placed before him and how me choose wrong. He was a victim of the fire. A victim of his success, of victim of Rika, and maybe even of Saeran. Maybe, Jihyun had just been born unlucky, V just knew how to ignore it all. 

_Eveyone has to live with the choices of their consequences._

Looking out into the Baltic Sea, with his camera worn comfortably around his neck, for a brief moment thought about what if he jumped in that moment. Would he be considered a _victim of circumstance_ , or **a victim of life**? Staring into the endless sea, Jihyun closes his eyes -- he really does get try of living and losing all the time, maybe he was just born with bad luck. 

He feels a dry sob getting caught in the middle of his throat, as he places hi hand in front of his mouth to stop the whatever noise wants to leave his mouth in that moment. His eyes start to get blurry as a burning sensation makes him start rubbing his eyes with all the strength he has. Jihyun doesn't remember the last time he has cried and what is the real reason for why he is starting now. He slowly fall onto his knees, no really paying attention to the other passengers watching his current dilemma. 

He tries his hardest to remember his mother's warmth, her voice in the only real interaction they had in the end. He tries to remember his father's proud face in those rare instances of family cohesion. Jumin's rare smile when they worked so well together. Rika's smile in the morning light, Saeran's laugh when he taught him a new flower meaning, Saeyong's warm greeting whever they meet. 

There all gone, and he's all alone. God, how he hates being alone, though he knows it's his fault -- it's always his fault that he ends of alone. He's a victim of his own foolish mistakes, regrets that he wants to sink into the sea in that very moment. 

" _I'm so sorry, mother_. Sometimes, I don't want to live anymore."

This must surely be his punishment for being the last one standing in the end.


	15. worth dying for.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> brought to you by hunger - florence + the machine. halfway there.

**Love is a kind of emptiness that you always hunger,** Jihyun had heard once and in his beautiful, ignorant philosophy thought he was above such a need. No he didn't need to have someone love him, after everything he didn't deserve it, but he was willing to sacrifice anything to find the perfect person who wanted, who needed all the love that he could give. He gave it all away and he sacrificed a lot along the way as well. Naive, circular thinking that almost killed in the end but was it worth it -- to die for the one you love?

Jihyun thinks its perfectly fine on the bad days, fights with that vicious thought on the good days, but most of the time just tries to ignore and get on with life. And maybe he's just a dark Romanist at the end of the day, wishing he could have gone the way of Romeo and Juliet or even Tristan and Iseult -- he just wants someone to burn with him at the end of the day. To remember how he and his self-destruction burn brightly in the end because he loved them with everything without asking for anything in return. 

He tried loving Jumin like that once, but his best friend could never understand.

He loved Rika like that once and it burned in the worst possible way.

He loved the RFA like that, but they all wanted to enjoy and be with someone who was alive. 

It takes him a long time to realizes that it hard to be someone worth living for, than to have someone worth dying for. Jihyun struggles everyday to be someone that the rest of the members want to be around, want to show their lives too -- it is hard with some than with others, but he is getting there. 

"Aren't you glad?" she'll ask him more then once when they see Yoosung graduate, when they go to Zen's performances, when they are at Jaehee's grand opening, whenever they get to see Jumin and one of his marvelous success.

"Of course, I am," he often says with tears in his eyes. She'll smile and say nothing else of it because she already knows him to well, knows that he is constantly thinking about whether he should be alive and dead after all the trouble he has caused, but in that moment seeing knows that seeing his loved ones is more than anything he could hope for. 

 

_Aren't you glad you're alive?_

_...That you're someone worthy of living._

    


End file.
